sibling bonds >
a vulnerable share about how sometimes the only person that can get through to you is your closest brother
Anyone who meets me will quickly learn that I have three younger brothers. It’s something about me that is at the core of who I am and it doesn’t take long for them to discover that I’m the oldest and only girl. I am currently writing this blog on the plane home from a one week trip out to Montana to visit my brother (I’ll call him Crikey in this blog post because he loved/s the Crocodile Hunter lol). I cried this morning on the treadmill about leaving Montana. And then I cried when I accidentally broke a painting that was leaning against a chair that I pulled out to eat my lunch.
After the tears, my brother (Crikey) closest in age to me sat me down to tell me he’s worried about me. He’s the fourth person that has told me that in the last 3 weeks. I’ve been worried about me too but I didn’t really care to listen until Crikey brought it up. While this summer brought the greatest day of my life and the most monumental moment of my life - marrying my husband - it has also been a TRUDGE through sticky, ugly, deep mud. It has been full of family stuff, health stuff, exhaustion, burnout, fear, tears, and overdoing it in every way. While my therapist, best friends, parents, and husband have all tried to talk to me about this, I couldn’t really hear it from them. Crikey cracked me open to realize that no amount of running is going to get me away from confronting any discomfort or pain I don’t want to face. That the solution isn’t to start 3 companies, a non profit, run a half marathon, and marathon and try to be present in my marriage, friendships, and have a social life.
So I’ve decided from this moment forward that I am slowing the fuck down. I’m not building any companies. I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do. I am focusing on my marriage and my health. I’m counting down the days until I’m done with my corporate job and then I am going to take it day by day and focus on just being.
I have been through a lot in my 29 years of life. My brother helped me realize that it hasn’t been the easiest path for me and I’m the last to let that be known. I grit my teeth, suck it up, show up with a smile, and stuff it down. But what’s been stuffed down over the 9 years of my twenties is boiling up. And now it’s overflowing. But the good news is that I have an army of support and love to help me get through it. I will be okay. I always am. As my favorite line in one piece of spiritual literature reads, “it is always darkest before dawn.” Woman, it is freaking dark right now. But I know there is so much light ahead. And for that, I cling to hope. I choose joy as much as I can each day. And I remember that pain is temporary and all of it is to one day help someone else who will go through the same things I am going through right now.